Eventually

I am writing this post in my empty office during the Eid Fitr holiday, without any external noise, only my thoughts and I. The rain has just stopped, and the moving cloud reminds me of the afternoon in Bandung. Since the crazy rain I experienced in Bandung around 2015, I’ve found myself dreading the gloomy sky—especially the kind that comes with thunder. Once the sky turns darker, the anxiety creeps in, even when I'm inside a building, not out on the street. If I happen to be outside during heavy rain, I pray as if it's the end of the world. I don’t even react this way during terrible turbulence on a flight. I’ve never been a fan of rain or storms. I grew up needing my parents to hold my hand just to fall asleep during thunderstorms. Even now, when there’s thunder at night, I hold my doll’s hand to ease the anxiety. For the past decade, that has been the saga between rain and me. As much as I understand how much farmers need the rain to water their crops, I always pray it doesn’t come when I’m outside my room.

I don't have any pictures taken during the heavy rain, so this pic is just a random moment I put here to make this post less wordy, hahaha

Eventually, I went on a motorbike ride in the middle of a storm last month—calm and without even the tiniest bit of fear. All of my clothes were soaked, including the change of clothes I had brought with me, because I got stuck in a traffic jam while the rain poured down heavily. But I didn’t complain at all. Eventually, the fear disappeared, and the heavy rain turned out to be far less scary than I had always imagined. It was just water falling from the sky—pretty harmless (though not entirely harmless).

This made me think about a lot of things I’ve been holding myself back from just because I was afraid and chickened out. What if things aren’t as scary as I think? What if the risks are actually worth it? Because after that thundersome trip, I ended up getting a very good deal on a plane ticket. It was worth the 1.5-hour trip in the middle of the rain. Have I been holding back from many great opportunities all this time?

But that’s not what I want to talk about in this post. In this very post, after years, I want to share how I just realized the deeper meaning of “eventually” (or if no one really uses it this way and it just came into my mind, then congrats—you just read a semantic analysis by me). I want the future Eka to realize that eventually, things will change, and it’s okay.

Eventually, Bandung is no longer a city you avoid. It’s still a city with good memories, but not the place your heart longs for anymore. Eventually, your heart doesn’t ache anymore when you look at each corner of Bandung. But also, the excitement you used to feel when you were assigned to Bandung for a business trip is no longer there. Eventually, the country you once told everyone had the best government doesn’t impress you anymore. Eventually, you realize that every goal in your life led to a destination—a person. Eventually, the realization hits hard that a person should never be a destination and that everything this whole time was just in your head.

The beginning of 2025 wasn’t really nice for me. A lot of things happened one after another and didn’t give me time to breathe. There was too much to digest, and the only explanation I could absorb was simply: “eventually.” In the future, I hope I’ll eventually find new goals without attachment to a particular person. Eventually grow into a bigger person, with a bigger heart, more knowledge, deeper wisdom, and kinder words. Eventually make the right decision out of the branched options I have today. Eventually have the life that I love, with the right person. Eventually, I will smile, remembering all of the things that happened in the past few months, living life to the fullest with no regret nor aches lingering around.

If anyone besides future Eka ends up reading this and is currently struggling, I hope that eventually, life gets better for you too—and things fall into place.